Rock Muppets

I'm thrilled about the new Muppets show coming to TV this fall, and of course I'm hoping they'll continue to have metal guest appearances--Alice Cooper, Ozzy Osbourne and Dave Grohl are among the headbangers who've performed with Kermit's gang in the past. Maybe this time they'll even create a metal muppet, something they've never done in the past (as far as I've known). But two hard rock themed performances come close.

"ZZ Blues" is a catchy blues-rock song lamenting the lack of z-words, performed by ZZ Top-inspired Muppets. Whoever put this together was clearly an old school fan--notice how the song plays on the band's blues-based '70s tracks and not their more popular synth-heavy '80s hits. The green screen background suggests every generic '70s rock TV studio performance, and the creators even got the beardless drummer right. "ZZ Blues" is as worthy of the Top as "Haw-haw-haw" and the famous hand gesture.



"Rebel L" honors Billy Idol as deftly as "ZZ Blues" gets ZZ Top, with a "Rebel Yell" parody that chronicles a renegade letter making noise outside the Idol Muppet's house. I'd love to know how many kids learned what a rebel was from this video, or bothered their parents by reenacting the events. Bonus points for being the only '80s music video I can think of where the cops are as badass as the singer and the title characer.

Can't Get Enough of That Wonderful Duff

Can't Get Enough of That Wonderful Duff

1. Duff McKagan, "Seattle Head"
2. The Breeders, "Cannonball"
3. Bobby Womack and Peace, "Across 110th St"
4. Mariam Makeba, "Pata Pata"
5. Green Day, "J.A.R. (Jason Andrew Relva)"
6. Misson of Burma, "Academy Fight Song"
7. Dr. Octagon, "Earth People"
8. The Specials, "Ghost Town"
9. Jesse Rifkin, "Tallulah"
10. Kendrick Lamar, "Swimming Pools (Drank)"
11. David Bowie, "Golden Years"
12. James Brown, "Please, Please, Please"
13. Tina Turner, "Nutbush City Limits"
14. ZZ Top, "Pincushion"
15. Danny Brown, "Radio Song"
16. Têtes Noires, "True Love"
17. The Zombies, "Care of Cell 44"
18. The Cure, "In Between Days"
19. The Coasters, "Shopping for Clothers"
20. Glen Campbell, "Wichita Lineman"
21. Faith No More, "Midnight Cowboy"
22. Ricky Nelson, "Hello Mary Lou"

For Rachel, somewhere between Seattle and L.A.

Jane Eyre, "Miracle Mile/Eliminator"

"Miracle Mile" and "Eliminator" are the kind of songs that I secretly had been hoping Jane Eyre would write. Following up last year's alternative psychedelic dreamscape With Our Thoughts We Make the World, "Miracle Mile" is songwriter Jesse Rifkin's best character study to date, complete with a Cure-worthy melody and a solo that reminds me of Siamese Dream. "Eliminator" takes its name from the classic ZZ Top album, though the song itself bounces between Dischord-inspired hardcore fury and Zeppelinesque verses, kicking the band into their heaviest direction to date. The worst part is that it ends too soon, but you might have a new favorite Brooklyn band by the time you get there.

Both songs are available for free here, with a tip jar.

ZZ Top on The Howard Stern Show

"Are you sick of playing any songs?"

"Nah, we wouldn't play it if we were sick of it."

"There's no song that you wrote that became a hit and you went 'Ah, that's shit and I never want to play it again?'"

"Not any of our songs."

"I interviewed Billy Joel and he said he'll never play 'Just the Way You Are' anymore."

"We'll probably never play that song either."

Jesus Rides Beside Me

Jesus Rides Beside Me

1. Mississippi Fred McDowell, "Jesus is on the Mainline"
2. Kanye West, "Jesus Walks"
3. Depeche Mode, "Personal Jesus"
4. Soundgarden, "Jesus Christ Pose"
5. Big Star, "Jesus Christ"
6. The Vaselines, "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam"
7. Spaceman 3, "Walkin' with Jesus"
8. Violent Femmes, "Jesus Walking on the Water"
9. Stevie Wonder, "Jesus Children of America"
10. Suffocation, "Jesus Wept"
11. Ministry, "Jesus Built My Hotrod"
12. Homer Quincy Smith, "I Want Jesus to Talk with Me"
13. Al Green, "Jesus is Waiting"
14. Tom Waits, "Jesus Gonna Be Here"
15. Minutemen, "Jesus and Tequila"
16. Wilco, "Jesus, Etc."
17. Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, "Jesus Met the Woman at the Well"
18. ZZ Top, "Jesus Just Left Chicago"
19. Slayer, "Jesus Saves"
20. King Missile, "Jesus Was Way Cool"
21. The Velvet Underground, "Jesus"
22. Sam Cooke, "Jesus Gave Me Water"

Enough awesomeness to offset an entire month of "The Little Drummer Boy."

Minor Threat, "Salad Days"

One night while working at the B.B. King Blues Club & Grill in Times Square, I saw Flavor Flav through the front window, decked out in his clock and viking helmet, pushing a baby in a carriage down 42nd Street while smoking a cigarette. Had he stopped by that night, he would not have been the strangest person in the building. Maybe not even in the top five.

B.B. King's is a chotchke-hocking venue that pays the real B.B. King to put his name on it. The result is something like the Hard Rock Cafe pretending to be the House of Blues. The summer I started working there, so I could pretend I was in the music business, the owners were in court for paying employees below minimum wage. None of us lower-level employees got lunch breaks, and at least one of us got fired once a week, usually for eating on the job. My job was in the merch department.

The merch department was invented by the main owner, a Napoleonic guy named Hiram, so the club owners could justify keeping a third of the bands' ticket and merch sales profits for themselves. Rather than let the bands bring their own merch guy, the owners insisted that their club representative take the bands' CDs and t-shirts and sell them himself. That was me. I apologized to every band manager for the inconvenience, fretted over keeping t-shirts from getting stolen and spent most of my time talking to the doormen.

There were usually about six or seven doormen, with a turnover rate that made Destiny's Child look like ZZ Top. There was Carl, a hulking devout Christian who refused to work any shows that he thought looked Satanic. There was William, who dreamed of singing "I Got a Woman" on American Idol. There was Darryl, the earnest high schooler who would get positively giddy when describing a girl's butt. There was Anton, whose scheme for ripping off Dave and Buster's across the street eventually got him kicked out and banned from the arcade. There was Steve, the bald, profusely-sweating cokehead who constantly asked for money to buy Red Bulls, sang "Chocolate Rain" loudly and once had his jaw broken in Las Vegas. "It was my fault," he explained, after I had expressed sympathy. "I called these black guys a bunch of niggers."

There was Laurence, who made up an extensive boxing career that could have been disproven with one Google search, yet was sweet enough for everyone to indulge him. I couldn't tell if I was the only one who cared enough about Bob Foster to find out that Laurence never really fought him, or if everyone else knew and didn't care because we all loved his stories. Whatever the case, I would beg Laurence to tell my friends his stories when they visited me at work.

"I was pretty good about not letting other fighters' talk get under my skin," Laurence would say. "But Richie Kates said some personal stuff about my family. In the fourth round, I hit him so hard that his mouthpiece went flying out. When they picked it up, it had four of his teeth in it."

There was never anything for us to do during the show, and hundreds of fans for us to appease directly before and after. The good doormen would usher folks in and out during the evening, and the bad ones would stand outside talking about girls while the crowds rabidly descended on the merch table.

"See that girl over there?" Carl said. "She's a total goldfish. Can't take her out, go for walks, play catch, cuddle with her or anything. Only thing she's good for is looking at her."

"Fucking William is such a fucking fag," Steve contributed.

Most of the door guys hated each other, and they probably would not have been able to get along at all had they not all bonded in their fear of Courtney.

Courtney was a general manager at B.B. King's who took her job way too seriously. She looked just like the one girl Nazi who appears in every movie about World War II-era Germany--a tall, statuesque blonde with a perfected glower and her hair in a tight bun. She could have been anywhere between 25 and 50. She never went more than ten minutes without a cigarette. There was a hieroglyphic tattoo on her wrist that I could never figure out. People would hush up whenever she entered a room and shudder whenever she left.

Each day, she would come upstairs and chew out the doormen for not doing their job well enough. I tried not to listen, but she'd bring me into it as well.

"Ben, are you watching Darryl? Is he flyering?"

"Yes."

Courtney leaned in on me, scowling. It was summer, but I could have sworn her breath started to condensate.

"You don't have to say that just because he's your friend. You can tell me. Is he flyering?"

"Yes."

She would grumble and go down the stairs. I'd see her sporadically until 2am, when I'd cash out and she'd count my drawer, snap at me if she thought something had been stolen and tell me to have a good night.

One day, Courtney came to work with her hair down and her glasses removed. She didn't yell at anyone all day.

"Courtney must have gotten a boyfriend," said Darryl. "She was in a good mood today!"

"Just wait," said Carl. "Next week she'll break up with him and she'll be worse than ever."

The next week, her bun and glasses were back, and she was worse than ever. I made the mistake of accepting a free chicken stick from the vendor outside.

"Ben, there is no eating on the job! You know that. Throw that away right now, if I see you with it again--" Courtney's jaw hit the floor.

I turned around and saw that William had just walked in, licking an ice cream cone. Courtney caught his eye and he stopped. He modestly held out the cone to her.

"You want some?"

He was fired that week.

I decided to have some fun with Courtney. Rather than cower or argue, I set out to answer each of her actions with as much cheerfulness as I could muster. I figured I would at least diffuse her and at most infuriate her. What could go wrong?

"Ben! Are you keeping an eye on these lighters? The display case is unlocked, someone could steal these!"

"I'm on it, Courtney!" I said. "Let me know if you need anything else."

I sang her name whenever she approached me, offered unrequited high fives and skipped in and out of her office. Any time I went into the dining area, I asked her if she wanted anything. I told her stories about the Penguin, the squat, grunting human who came by himself to at least four shows a week. I found that the more I tried to bother Courtney, the more I started to enjoy work. Giving myself a distinct reason to be jovial at work started to make me actually happy.

"Courtney! Hey Courtney, how awesome would it be if we got Metallica to play here? I bet they'd totally do it if you asked." I pulled out an air guitar and did my best James Hetfield impression. She didn't laugh. She never laughed. But once or twice I saw a smile almost make it all the way to her mouth.

Later that night, Courtney counted out my drawer. I watched her seethe while I made cracks about a few things that didn't matter.

She stopped counting. "Ben, how old are you?" She asked.

"23."

Her eyebrows relaxed. I had no idea what to do.

"It gets better." She told me.

I hadn't told her that I didn't like working there. Didn't mention that I hadn't gotten the radio job I'd been interning for, or that the girl who had just broken up with me already had a new boyfriend. I couldn't even think of a time, after the first few weeks, when I wasn't smiling in her presence. I never knew what made Courtney say that. I also never told her that it was the most important thing that anyone said to me that summer.

A few days later, I arrived at B.B. King's for my 10am Saturday morning shift, about seven hours after they had sent me home the night before. When I got to the merch table, the head manager's niece was working in my usual spot. She looked at me uneasily and told me to see her uncle, my boss.

The manager told me he had changed my schedule without telling me, and that he didn't need me now, but I was to come back at 5pm to start a Saturday night shift. I told him I'd be back at 5pm, but I knew I'd spend every hour until then applying for new jobs. Finally I found one, and I gave B.B. King's my two weeks notice.

On my second to last night, Courtney counted my drawer.

"Why are you leaving?" She asked.

"I have a new job."

"You will come back, right?"

"Of course."

"Have a good night, Ben." She hugged me back.

The next time I came to B.B. King's, Courtney had been fired. Darryl told me she ran out the door in tears.

Richardpalooza 2013

Richardpalooza 2013

1. The Who, "Baba O'Riley"
2. Prince, "P Control"
3. Gloria Jones, "Tainted Love"
4. 2pac, "Hail Mary"
5. ZZ Top, "Just Got Paid"
6. The Doors, "Alabama Song (Whisky Bar)"
7. John Lee Hooker, "Boom Boom"
8. Eddy Grant, "Electric Avenue"
9. Talking Heads, "Burning Down the House"
10. Bill Withers, "Use Me"
11. Mobb Deep, "Shook Ones Part 2"
12. The Specials, "Nelson Mandela"
13. Johnny Cash, "Tennessee Stud"
14. Nine Inch Nails, "Head Like a Hole"
15. Iggy & the Stooges, "Search and Destroy"
16. Snoop Dogg, "Gz Up, Hoes Down"
17. Metallica, "Master of Puppets"
18. AC/DC, "Thunderstruck"

I've known Richard long enough where I can put something as ridiculous as "P Control" or "Gz Up, Hoes Down" on a birthday mix without getting judged. The latter song, which was cut from Doggystyle due to sample clearance issues (but the sexism was apparently OK), may have been a precedent for "Homies Over Hoes," the satirical Boondocks hit from closeted rapper Gangstalicious.
Looking forward to hearing what Richard thinks.

Happy early birthday, RAC.

Life on the Mississippi

Margaret is writing a book that has taken her on a few research visits to the South. We've talked a few times about the best songs about life below the Dixon, and she's directed me to some noteworthy songs about Mississippi, from an old blues anthology to Afroman. You can probably tell where this is headed.



Life on the Mississippi

1. Mississippi Fred McDowell, "Baby Please Don't Go"
2. Bob Dylan, "Mississippi"
3. Lynyrd Skynyrd, "Mississippi Kid"
4. King's X, "Mississippi Moon"
5. The Grateful Dead, "Mississippi Half-Step Uptown Toodleoo"
6. Charley Patton, "Mississippi Boweavil Blues"
7. Kid Rock, "Jackson, Mississippi"
8. Robert Johnson, "Travelling Riverside Blues"
9. Mountain, "Mississippi Queen"
10. Nina Simone, "Mississippi Goddam"
11. Jerry Lee Lewis, "Miss the Mississippi and You"
12. Johnny Cash & June Carter, "Jackson"
13. R. L. Burnside, "Goin' Down South"
14. ZZ Top, "My Head's in Mississippi"

Mississippi is rooted so deeply in the blues that it can't help but come out in rock n' roll. "Baby Please Don't Go" has been covered by everyone, and I'll admit that I thought Led Zeppelin wrote "Travelling Riverside Blues" until high school. But Mississippi's influence crosses over to all sorts of genres and sentiments--the Cashes' charmingly bitter "Jackson," Nina Simone's heated "Mississippi Goddam" and Mountain's lascivious cowbell classic should all be a part of everyone's songbook. Though in an ideal world, that book would also include R. L. Burnside's haunting early recordings and King's X's lonesome "Mississippi Moon."

Other than Bob Dylan and ZZ Top, not many American rockers have been able to translate the blues into their music in a way that's both respectful and distinct. I couldn't bring myself to include "Black Water" or North Mississippi Allstars, which felt like the equivalent of picking the Black Crowes' "Hard to Handle" over Otis Redding's. But hey, some people might say that about choosing Mississippi Fred McDowell over Big Joe Williams.

Jenna Elfman's Early Music Video Career

Gaby recently directed me to the riot grrrls episode of Roseanne, which reminded me that, before Scientology and terrible Big Three Network shows, Jenna Elfman was a super cool rock video star.



Here she is getting silly with Depeche Mode in the "Halo" clip, from a time when bands could afford to spend serious money on ridiculous music videos for songs that didn't even get released as singles. Someday, someone will write a book about how Depeche Mode are like a traveling circus, and why Dave Gahan is the strongman and Martin Gore is the clown. But they shouldn't.



A few years later, Jenna was the subject of a kidnapping in the video for "Black Lodge," a Twin Peaks-themed song that Anthrax wrote with David Lynch mainstay Angelo Badalamenti. I'm a huge fan of both artists, although I don't love this song--all build-up, without much payoff. Elektra probably thought they could cash in on Twin Peaks mania by financing the video, or maybe they just figured hiring a cute lead actress would do the trick.



Finally, here's Jenna as a dancer on tour with ZZ Top in 1994. Basically the rock music equivalent of being a Bond girl.

Sharp Dressed Bands

My sister is a costume designer who knows more about clothes than I do about music. She's responsible for most of my wardrobe that isn't band t-shirts, so the least I can do is send her a mix for her birthday.



Sharp Dressed Bands

1. Jenny Lewis & the Watson Twins, "Rabbit Fur Coat"
2. Jerry Lee Lewis, "Chantilly Lace"
3. Shorty Long, "Devil with the Blue Dress On"
4. Run-D.M.C., "My Adidas"
5. Elvis Presley, "Blue Suede Shoes"
6. The Cramps, "Sunglasses After Dark"
7. Spoon, "The Fitted Shirt"
8. Bob Dylan, "Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat"
9. Elvis Costello, "Green Shirt (acoustic)"
10. Charles Mingus, "Goodbye Pork Pie Hat"
11. David Bowie, "Fashion"
12. Paul Simon, "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes"
13. Dolly Parton, "Coat of Many Colors"
14. ZZ Top, "Sharp Dressed Man"
15. James Brown, "Hot Pants"
16. The Kinks, "Dedicated Follower of Fashion"
17. Tom Waits, "Pasties and a G-String"
18. Screamin' Jay Hawkins, "Yellow Coat"
19. Prince, "Raspberry Beret"
20. Minor Threat, "Good Guys (Don't Wear White)"
21. Leonard Cohen, "Famous Blue Raincoat"
22. Mick Jagger and The Chieftains, "The Long Black Veil"
23. The Residents, "Boots"

How much do I care about my sister? Enough to submit the creepiest version of "Chantilly Lace," the loneliest "Long Black Veil" and the weirdest "Boots." Enough to pretend that I forgot about "Denim and Leather" and "Undone (The Sweater Song)." Enough to consult The A.V. Club. Enough to track down the original "Devil with the Blues Dress On." Enough to wonder if she thinks David Bowie's "Fashion" is about clothes, dancing or fascism. Enough to sandwich ZZ Top between Dolly Parton and James Brown. Enough to treat her to an Elvis Costello demo and a Tom Waits deep cut. Enough to remind her of Screamin' Jay Hawkins.

The Best Drummer in the World

ZZ Top, "Just Got Paid"

More than any other rock band, ZZ Top has the world figured out. The same three guys for over forty years, setting standards for the perfect amount of chords, styles, dances, cars, girls, fashions, guest appearances and hand motions for a rock band to have. They had the prescience to hop into synth-rock in the '80s, and the sense to stay away from the '90s alternative. There's never too much or too little with Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill and Frank Beard. Drama, conflict, excess--the themes that most rock bands count on are nowhere to be found on ZZ Top records.



"Just Got Paid," an album track from 1972's Rio Grande Mud, predated both Aerosmith and AC/DC in inserting the blues into hard rock, and unlike either of those bands' songs (or nearly all Zeppelin, for that matter), "Just Got Paid" could have been released on Chess Records. It's Top'd up with a slide guitar solo and a breakdown, and it rocks hard enough for Mastodon, Steve Albini and Ministry to have all covered it. Each version, even in Ministry's melodramatic hands and Albini's abrasiveness, brings out the tres hombres in its performer, proof that ZZ Top's composure isn't just in the stars, it's in the songs.

Appetite for Destruction: "Anything Goes"

"Anything Goes" is the second valley on Appetite for Destruction, after "Out ta Get Me." It's no "Mr. Brownstone," yet it's indispensable to the song cycle. I bet that the decision-makers in GNR can make killer mix tapes.



"Anything Goes" was written in 1981, when Axl Rose and Izzy Stradlin were both 19, for their band Hollywood Rose.  Here's a demo version:



Would you believe that this is the first available sign of the greatest metal album in history? It sounds almost tossed-off on Appetite, but listen to how much more confident and less derivative it became over the years. The ZZ Top-esque breakdowns are gone, the harmonies are much tighter and aimless shredding has been ditched for punk ferocity. Patience has always been Axl and Izzy's best virtue.

Music critics fetishize Nirvana as the band that put a stake through the collective glam metal heart, but GNR did something much harder. On "Anything Goes," they beat glam on its own turf, with Slash exhibiting talk box solos that sounded more like someone (and at one point, a rooster) being strangled than Peter Frampton. "Anything Goes" even steals glam metal's (well, all of music's) favorite theme and takes away the safety net. There's no assurance that anything goes as long as it works out in the end, or as long as we stay together. Just as long as Axl says it does.