Nobody really believes that this is Mötley Crüe's final tour, do they? Yadda yadda they've signed a contract saying they'll never tour again--these are not guys who are known for being law-abiders, or for their integrity, or for showing any concern for their legacy and reputation. Vince Neil's voice may be almost as dead as the guy from Hanoi Rocks that he killed with his car, but that's not going to stop them. Count on the "Fück the Cöntract" tour coming to your town before 2020.
Mötley Crüe is not a cool band, and it's easy to hear why Metallica and Slayer considered them the enemy. But they're much darker and heavier than the glam metal bands they were marketed with. More importantly, they're an excellent pop band. If you've ever thought that Michael Jackson would sound better with raging guitars and stadium-sized fills, Mötley Crüe is your band. I'll even give them credit for being more of a metal band than their VH1 contemporaries, like Bon Jovi, Aerosmith or Def Leppard.
You're going to try to not like this song, and it isn't going to work.
"Kickstart My Heart" is probably as close as Mötley Crüe will get to a signature song. Sex, drugs and cars led by two stolen riffs (Montrose's "Bad Motor Scooter" and Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love,") a blazing solo and a shoutalong chorus. The star-making sheen of new producer Bob Rock brought out an explosive,
cinematic sound that nailed the perfect blend of Shout at the Devil's
grime and the polish of Girls, Girls Girls. If you're wondering why Mötley Crüe is headlining arenas this summer
and not Twisted Sister, here's a good place to remind yourself.
Great songs can happen to mediocre bands. We hear it all the time in music, less so often in metal, where "hits" are scarce and most metal bands with one actual high-charting single (Faith No More, Living Colour, Queensrÿche) support their place in history with a few great albums. But near the top of the mediocre band/great song heaps sits Rose Tattoo, barely remembered today as the Australian metal band that isn't AC/DC.
Most of Rose Tattoo's songs are routine hard rock fare without the leery charm of Bon Scott and the Young brothers. However, on "Nice Boys," they hit it out of the park, with the band's usual slide guitar riffs and badder-than-thou lyrics coming together for one solid jukebox anthem.
Rose Tattoo's version isn't all too different from Guns N' Roses' more famous cover on G N' R Lies. But why is it inferior?
To these ears, Rose Tattoo are trying too hard. The guitar playing feels labored next to Slash's, the vocals sound strained vs. Axl's feral interpretation. Both versions are great, and both bands have chemistry, but only one of them is iconic.
Chuck Klosterman, the literary world's most vocal GNR fan, might agree. "Because rock is so tied to the abstract concept of 'cool,' it seems distasteful when anyone tries too much," he once wrote in Spin. "Bands that are unpolished and lazy (the Replacements, Pavement, Motörhead) are always more likeable than groups that do 'whatever it takes' to achieve a modicum of success (Bon Jovi, Jimmy Eat World, Flickerstick)."
Now that we know that Axl can spend decades working on a song, it's clear that Guns N' Roses are neither unpolished nor lazy. But on "Nice Boys," they played the part with the finesse of a Scorsese cast.
Much has been made of how hair metal bands tried to jump the grunge bandwagon after Nevermind made them all feel as silly as they looked. There was something sad about seeing Warrant and Skid Row struggle to distance themselves from their past and peers, begging audiences and label execs for their attention, but also something fascinating. Watching Bret Michaels drool his way through Sublime's "What I Got" in 2010 may not be anyone's idea of fun, but it's more memorable than the Unskinny Bop.
Nu metal, the hair metal of the '90s, is more complicated. The fad died out equally fast (until its inevitable Rock of Ages-style revival), but didn't have any clear rock trends to latch onto in the early '00s. Thus, many of nu metal's leaders jumped ships to different waters. As with hair metal, their failures are often more interesting than their actual hits.
No one with any sense of time management needs to find out what happened to, say, Powerman 5000*. But if we cap the list at three, you'll get a few funny, bizarre and almost bearable nu metal reinventions that still won't make you pine for a Family Values reunion tour.
1. Jonathan Davis as a Dubstep Clown, "Evilution"
Korn's recent dubstep album was apparently bad enough to make them relevant again, in the way that "F" grade music is better than "C" grade music. You'd never guess from this song and video, where "J Devil" teams up with two electronic losers (Datsik and Infected Mushroom) to get his ass kicked at a birthday party where his name is misspelled on the cake. The soundtrack suggests AOL's dial up sounds, which means it's about as stale as Korn were in 1999. If this is what the kids want to listen to these days, call me an old man.
2. Aaron Lewis as a Country Music Republican, "Country Boy"
In Staind (sic), Aaron Lewis led the world's most boring band, ordinary enough to be popular and too inoffensive to be Crazy Town. Only now has he stepped things up with this manipulative ode to right wing values, particularly the second amendment. The melody is stolen from Bon Jovi and amazingly enough, watered down. A jingoistic monologue from Charlie Daniels and an auto-tuned, lost-sounding George Jones can't help, and we're left with the most appalling sight of a New Englander posing as a good ol' boy since George W. Bush.
3. Kid Rock as Lynyrd Zevon, "All Summer Long"
I have defended Kid Rock, and will continue to do so, as long as he deserves it. But man, does this song suck. It's bad enough to see the brains behind Devil Without a Cause go bad, but hearing the Kid tie his worst lyrics in with the world's most likeable southern rock band and LA's most colorfully sardonic tunesmith truly underscores how far he's sunk. Hearing this song all over the airwaves in 2008 made me sad not for Kid Rock or my own ears, but for every American who had apparently never heard "Werewolves of London" or "Sweet Home Alabama."
*OK, so apparently they've released a tuneless cover of "Jump" and still sound like a rhythmless, computerized Rob Zombie imitating the Cars.
