Answering a few questions

Iann Robinson of Nonelouder posted his takes on some questions that have been wracking metalhead's brains for years. Some I agree with and some I don't, but I can't resist posting my thoughts.



1. What would Metallica sound like if Burton had lived and Mustaine had stayed?

They still would've been the biggest and most influential metal band in history. Cliff Burton is one of the best metal bassists ever, and he'll be remembered long after we're all gone for having his name on "For Whom the Bell Tolls," "Master of Puppets" and "Creeping Death," to name a few. But the crux of Metallica' songwriting and direction is James Hefield, and besides probably co-writing a few more masterpieces, I'm not convinced that they'd sound like Slayer's contemporaries if Cliff had been alive in the '90s.

I'm not sure if Hetfield and Mustaine's creative courses could've co-existed much longer in the same band, but even if they only made it to three albums they'd be untouchable. But Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, ...And Justice for All and the other albums that shaped metal into what it is today would be radically different with Mustaine and without Hammett's often overlooked songwriting contributions. Plus, we never would've heard all those life-changing Megadeth records like, like Rust in Peace and Peace Sells...But Who's Buying?. I'm glad that we got both bands, and Hammett and Mustaine are both in their right places.



2. What would Back In Black sound like if Bon Scott had sang on it?

Even dirtier. It may not have sold 42 million(!) albums worldwide, but Back in Black would probably still go down as AC/DC's big statement. Still, maybe the death of Bon Scott inspired Angus and Malcolm Young to get even better, so you never know.



3. What would Iron Maiden have sounded like if Paul Di’Anno had stayed?

Maiden would still be a great band, but they wouldn't have been able to sell out arenas the way that they do today. By any measure, Di'Anno is a great singer, but Dickinson's range, charisma, operatics and stage energy are a huge part of what gave Maiden the status that evaded Saxon and Diamond Head.

Amazingly, neither Di'Anno nor Dickinson were prominent songwriters for Maiden, so it's odd that either would change the band so drastically. But would Steve Harris write "Run to the Hills" or "The Number of the Beast" for someone who couldn't belt it out?



4. Where would Ozzy be if Randy Rhodes had lived?


We would've had a lot of great music that was lost when Randy died in the plane crash. Randy's increasing classical tendencies could've totally redirected Ozzy, and while we might've lost Ozzy's greatest solo moment (No More Tears,) it's heartbreaking to think of all that could've been.



5. What if Diamond Dave had never left Van Halen?

The inevitable artistic declines of both parties would've coincided. David Lee Roth's awful solo career would meld with Van Hagar's generic arena rock, and people would still go see Van Halen to hear their awesome first six records. We'd be spared the Gary Cherone album and Diamond Dave's radio show, but I don't think we lost a lot of great music on that fateful day in 1985.



6. Why did it have to be Dimebag?

Because life is really, really, really unfair. As one of my favorite writers sang, "Life's good, but not fair at all."



7. Why do Bon Scott, Jimi Hendrix and those guys die due to drugs and alcohol but not Mötley Crüe or Poison?

See answer six. Of course, dying from drugs has nothing to do with the quality of your music. Ozzy, Lemmy and Keith Richards are all still rocking hard into their '60s, and Jerry Lee Lewis is 73.



8. How would Black Metal be different if Varg Vikernes hadn’t killed anybody?

Maybe a little less stigmatized? I feel like most people who judge and condemn death metal don't even know who Varg Vikernes is. Pro-censorship crusaders generally don't know anything about the music that they're talking about, so I don't think that Joe Lieberman is on his soapboax because he cares that Euronymous was murdered.

Also, from Leadbelly to G.G. Allin, felonious psychopaths have treated us to some pretty great music, but on the relevance scale Varg Vikernes is a little above Charles Manson. As far as I can tell, Lords of Chaos (the book about the history of Satan-related crime in Norway) is more interesting than anything that Vikernes recorded, and if the part about him whining that they took away his computer in prison is true, then he's also a baby.

I forget which death metal musician once said "Burning churches doesn't mean you're a satanist, it means you're an asshole," but he was right.



9. Where would death metal be if Chuck Schuldiner had lived?

Just like any genre, it would've gotten stale with the passing of time. There will always be talents and innovators, but since the initial shock of Death and Morbid Angel has worn off, there's also been an endless slew of inferior imitators. Saying that we would've avoided this if Chuck lived would be like saying we'd never suffer through Puddle of Mudd if Kurt Cobain were around.

I'd like to think that Death would continue to improve and challenge audiences with each new album, although they could've also treaded water or streamlined their sound. We'll never know, but I think we missed out on a lot of great music when Chuck Schuldiner succumbed to cancer.



10. Is Manowar really just fucking with us?

Yes and no. They clearly enjoy what they're doing, perform with a lot of conviction and are completely caught up in their greatness, but it's hard for me to believe that they don't think any of it is remotely silly.



11. Would it have been cool if KISS retired when they took the make up off?

It would've been cool, but it wouldn't have been KISS. KISS is great in part because they're campy, ham fisted, over the top and ridiculous. The thought of them gracefully retiring and preserving their legacy is as unthinkable as Gene and Paul not whoring their names out to any remotely conceivable sponsor, product or KISS merchandise. KISS aren't "cool," they're KISS, and that's part of why they rule.