Bone to Pick w/Rob Sheffield

Rob Sheffield is one of the rare music critics out there who isn't desperately trying to be Lester Bangs, reeking with snarky hipsterisms, or ignoring the music he writes about in favor of stories about his love life (or lack thereof.) I often get a kick out of his writing even when I strongly disagree with it. But he recently answered some questions on RollingStone.com, and there was one that I really couldn't ignore:

Who do you think is the most overrated band?

Metallica, definitely.

Excuse me? Overrated by whom? Apparently not your publication, which thought that "Baby One More Time" was more worthy of a spot on its recent "Songs that Changed the World" list than anything by any metal band, much less the most influential metal band of all time. Or that the Eagles were more deserving of a spot on the "100 greatest artists of all time" list than Metallica.

They have the right image, the right look, the right name, the right logo, the right attitude,

OK, you're on the right track...

so nobody really minds they have no songs,

Allmetallica.com/info/discography

no singers,

You don't need to be a great singer to have a great voice--Lou Reed, Ozzy Osbourne, and most good rappers all have trouble staying in key, but damned if they're not more compelling vocalists than Gary Cherone. That being said, anyone who thinks that James Hetfield can't sing should be subjected to his performance at the Freddie Mercury tribute concert. Or forced to listen to a Metallica CD.

no chops, no tunes, no beats, no riffs, no hooks,

Hetfield is one of the all-time greatest riff architects. Metallica's ability to incorporate tunefulness and irresistible hooks into the loudest, heaviest rock n' roll known up until that point played a pretty big role in making them the most universally respected metal band of all time. Also, Lars Ulrich may not be the greatest metal drummer ever, but he can certainly keep a good beat.

no originality,

Name one metal band that played as fast/loud as Metallica before Kill 'Em All came out. Name a metal band that incorporated a strong sense of reality into their lyrics before Metallica. Name a thrash metal band that broke into the mainstream before Metallica. Name a metal band that used a sitar before Metallica. No band has broken down the barriers of what a metal band can/can't do the way that Metallica have--the most inventive metal band of all time has no originality?

no imagination.

One would have to be pretty imaginative to make as much groundbreaking, original music as Metallica have. Not convinced? I already reviewed Metallica and Philosophy in an earlier post.

The guitarist has some nice solos, but if he had his own ideas he'd have his own band.

Kirk Hammett's ideas have earned him co-writing credit on 'Fade to Black,' 'Creeping Death,' 'Master of Puppets,' 'Disposable Heroes,' 'Dyer's Eve,' 'Enter Sandman,' '...And Justice for All,' 'Welcome Home (Sanitarium)' 'The Unforgiven...' I could go on. Also, he does have his own band. They're called Metallica.

By all accounts they're sweet guys, and they treat their fans well,

I believe that they're nice guys, but not all accounts paint them as treating their fans well--remember Napster?

so nobody wants to be the meanie who points out how laughable the music is; it's like there's a gentleman's agreement not to dispute the point. It's kind of touching how everybody takes them seriously just for meaning well.

People don't point out how laughable the music is for the same reason that people aren't dismissive of Black Sabbath or AC/DC--because it rocks.

I'm sure I'm just wrong,

Now you're talking!

and I wouldn't dream of trying to change anyone's mind, any more than I'd tell my nieces there's no Easter Bunny.

Well then, I hope that they're not reading this.

They're always going to be the world's biggest band,

I'd say that that honor still goes to the Beatles.

they're always going to sound the same,

Kill 'Em All is almost a punk record, does it sound anything like the prog-metal on ...And Justice for All? Does the nearly definitive thrash milestone Master of Puppets sound anything like the diamond-selling, commercial metal juggernaut Black Album? Does 'Fade to Black' sound at all like 'Whiplash?' How does 'Call of the Ktulu' resemble 'Ride the Lightning?' What aspect does 'Wherever I May Roam' share with anything on the $5.98 EP? What about the live album with the San Francisco Symphony? Load, Reload, and St. Anger may have had some misguided attempts at alt-rock, outlaw country, and bluesier progressions, but they can hardly be accused of all sounding alike.

and everybody's fine with that, including me.

If you're fine with it, then why did you waste my time with this tripe?